Sometimes I wonder if you’ve seen the pictures
of everything our love was not…
If you recognize the glow of joy
that was so foreign in what we had
Ours was a God-less love
He stood by
and watched us mingle with Chaos
We were damned long before we began
Fated for a cold, destructive bond
He revealed His disdain
when He took away a blessing too rich
for a blind fool like me to bear
But even fools can learn
And I could finally see
that you were no good for me
You may have opened my eyes to another world
But I met a woman,
that made the world worth seeing
I hope you don’t feel pain
As you go through those pictures
But take a moment to realize
had we stayed together,
God would have collected our souls
all too soon…
to stop thinking about you.
Once you leave my thoughts
The only place you’ll have to go
Is my reality
I’d rather go insane.
But her touch…her touch was my downfall. Because what her words couldn’t do, her touch did so mercilessly. Had the power to extract all that made me resilient….my will, my pride, my common sense. A single caress of the back of my neck and she had me fumbling for the word stop. Her lips, bittersweet from the nicotine, decimated my train of thought. The heat from her was a hell I’d writhe in for eternity, my screams of ecstasy and disgust at my weakness were never quite loud enough. She owned me as long as she could put her hands on me and she knew it. When I was slipping away, she ruined me with a kiss. It got to the point where I, on multiple occasions, had to tell her no.
“Don’t touch me.”
A finger on my hand. Hand on my neck. My will slowly receding.
“I need to.”
A kiss upon my temple and I lost. Everything. My common sense. My sense of self. My best friend. Her touch equated my destruction. Even when her hands struck me rather than loved me, I could only accept it as punishment for my fragility. When I left her in the metro station, I was far from complete. Now, I’m rebuilding myself, slowly and meticulously, with every piece a work of God and mine together. She’s not here to smack pieces of me out of my hands nor can she suck me into her chaos. I can resist her. Can say no to her. I’m stronger now. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. I know my words will be tested soon. Breaking is not an option. She’ll kill me if I do.
Her words at one point determined my tomorrow. Every day, my day, was hers to mold and command, even if I was against it. She held the power to bring me from the safety of the suburbs into the heart of the District, thick in the hate and hostility towards fellow man. She took me out of my comfort zone and forced me to see the world in the darkness no one wants to admit they dwell in regularly. Had me so far gone into the blackness, I forgot that light had to be around somewhere. Ever she became just another part of the shadows. Her words no longer kindled my love and hardly sparked my lust. In fact, they began to nauseate me unless she was trying to explain the mistakes in our relationship. Otherwise, they fell from her lips and broke against my heels as I walked away from her.
Funny how even though we’re not together, we’re still so in tune with the other that I still pick up my phone at the exact moment your text message comes through saying that you need me. Always thought that was kind of weird.
I keep playing the video over and over and with each time, a serrated edge shaves off another piece of my heart. I can’t. I can’t. As much as it hurts, I simply can’t anymore.
The calls will cease.
No texts will be sent.
Emails will be received,
but never acknowledged.
I’ll be a stranger.
but always around.
I don’t know what happened.
The only thing I know is that
as those tears fall,
they reveal the culprit
Behind your pain, your despair
And there is nothing I can do
to punish the criminal
Because your tears
Spell my name.
As angry as I want to be at you, I can’t. You have a distinct writing style, so I had a hunch that it was you after the second question. Why you would…I don’t even want to know. You let your emotions take over and now…now I don’t have anything to say. There’s nothing left to say.
I hope you’re okay.